Everyone Communicates But Few Connect

Posted On June 17, 2020

A summary of John C Maxwell’s Everyone Communicates but Few Connect, what the most effective people do differently.

As part of my personal development, I managed to pick this book at the local library. I found this title to be interesting and it is a puzzle I’m personally grappling with. On instagram, it seemed that many of my friends were interested to read this book but they do not have the access to this book or lack of time. Hence, I was motivated to jot down key points illustrated in the book, which might be essential for your personal development too.

John C. Maxwell shares principles and practices of connecting for readers who want to connect with different types and levels of audiences. Be it a large group or a one-to-one conversation.

Connecting Principles 

• Connecting increases influence in any situation
  • Let the other party talk, while you listen. Prepare 2-3 questions to engage with them. 
  • Bring a quote, artefact that relates to you to talk about in case you get stuck
  • Before you end the conversation, ask them if you can help & follow through. 
• Connecting is all about others
  • Connecting begins only when you make the other person valued 
  • You need to answer these questions which people have in their heads : Do you care about me? Can you help me? Can I trust you?

• Think from the perspective of them before meeting people. If its a client – think what questions / concerns they would have for you, what details do they want to know. 
• Note : If you’re selling a product, don’t focus on the feature of the product but translate to how it benefits the audience (something which a salesperson tends to do) >> show how you will help them

• Connecting goes beyond words
  • Use the connection checklist : 
    • Integrity – Did I do my best?
    • Expectation  – Did I please my sponsor?
    • Relevance – Did I understand and relate to the audience?
    • Value – Did I add value to the people?
    • Application – DId I give people a game plan?
    • Change – Did I make a difference?

• Connecting requires energy
  • Requires initiative.. Go First
  • Requires Clarity .. Prepare
  • Requires stamina … Recharge
  • Requires patience … slow down

• What makes people listen?
  • Relationships – who you know
  • Insight – What you know
  • Success – what you have done
  • Ability – what you can do
  • Sacrifice – How you have lived. 

Connecting Practices

• Connectors connect on Common Ground. Common ground is when you can discuss differences, share ideas, find solutions and create something together. However, it is natural to face some barriers, here are some you may relate to. 
  • Assumption – I already know what others feel and want. This can lead to misunderstandings. When you make assumptions of people based on their background, race, gender, age etc. you deprive yourself from paying attention to them and miss out the clues that would help in reaching common grounds
  • Arrogance- I don’t need to know what others know, feel or want.
  • Indifference – I don’t care to know what others know, feel or want. This attitude creates a focus on yourself and your own comfort instead of extending yourself and finding the best way to relate to others. 
  • Control – I don’t want others to know what I know, feel or want. Common ground is a two-way street, you have to be open and authentic so others are able to understand you.

How to cultivate a common ground mindset?

• Availability : I will choose to spend time with others. Some would like to look important, and reduce the time spent with others. This may be an issue of ego, self-esteem.

• Listening : I will listen my way to common ground. Here you need to pay attention to others and pushing aside your self-interests

• Questions – I will be interested enough to ask questions. 

• Thoughtfulness – I will think of others and look for ways to thank them. 

• Openness – I will let people into my life 

• Likability – I will care about people. 

• Humility – I will think of myself less so i can think of others more. Here humility refers to knowing and using your strength for the benefit of others, on behalf of a higher purpose. If you want to impact people, talk about your failures not successes. Cornel West said, “Humility meant two things. One a capacity for self-criticism and the other is allowing others to shine, affirming others, empowering and enabling people.Those who lack humility are dogmatic and egoistical.”. You can be humble by practicing the following :
  • Admit your weakness
  • Put the spotlight on others
  • Be open to correction
  • Be patient with others’ weaknesses. 

• Adaptability – I will move from my world to theirs. In order to move others, be willing to move yourself to where others are. We must adapt to others and try to see things from their point of view. Adapt to them, don’t expect them to adapt to you.

Adaptability is becoming an essential skill in this changing world.

• Ask “Do I feel what you feel?”  before asking “Do you feel what I feel?”. Connecting on an emotional level, allows connecting much easier on any other level. 

• Ask, “ Do I see what you see?” before asking “Do you see what I see?” See through the eyes of others before asking them to see your perspective. 

• Ask, “Do I know what you know?”, before asking, “Do you know what I know?”. The person who gives answers before understanding the problem is very foolish.

• Ask, “Do I know what you want?” before asking, “Do you know what I want?”

There is a great deal of difference between knowing and understanding. You can know a lot about something and not really understand it.

Charles F. Kettering

To be simple is to be great

Ralph Waldo Emerson

So how do you keep it simple?

• Talk to people, not above them. Remember that shooting above people’s head doesn’t mean you have superior ammunition, but you’re a lousy shot. Imagine how you would explain oxidation that occurs when you eat an apple to a five year old. Explain complex ideas in a simplified manner in which the person whom you are connecting with, can relate easily. 

• Get to the point. Answer these two key questions before your listeners start asking you : what’s the point. 
  • What do I want them to know
  • What do I want them to do

• Say it over and over again. Be willing to keep emphasising the key point. This is not as easy as you think. Maxwell here shares how his good friend used one main idea to craft a message by informing, illustrating and illuminating the point. 

• Say it clearly. You must be able to see the idea in your mind before you say it clearly with your mouth. In the end people are persuaded not by what we say, but by what they understand. 

• Say less. Don’t try to impress them with your intellect or overpower them with too much information. Be clear and simple, and they will relate to you better. 

Create an experience everyone enjoys. 

We tend to remember people who were entertaining, so how do we create that experience listeners want?

• Take responsibility for your listeners
  • Ask yourself – How can I capture their attention? What is necessary to make this speech memorable? How can I capture their attention and keep them with me to the very end? 
  • For example using charisma, positive body language or facial expressions

• Communicate in their world
  • Many speakers tend to be unwilling to move out of their own world and say things from the perspective of their listeners. This creates the gap between the listener and speaker. 
  • People don’t remember what they think is important; thye remember what they think is important. 
  • To connect with others in their world, you can’t just live in your own world, link what you have to say to what others’ needs are. 
  • Avoid abstract terms and make what you say personal. 

• Capture people’s attention from the start by doing these
  • Start with a comment about the situation or setting. 
    • Pay attention to the surroundings, learn what is happening around your audience/listener. 
  • Begin with humour 
  • Create a sense of anticipation
    • Tell them what you are gonna do for them – example: By the end of my speech, you would learn to be a better communicator.  

• Activate your audience
  1. Ask questions that are broad and inclusive
  2. Get people moving. If a one to one conversation goes stale, try going for a walk or change where you’re sitting. For big groups of audience, get them to stretch and keep the energy high. 

• Say it so it sticks. We remember what a speaker may have said even after the talk has finished long ago. 
  • Link what you say with what people need
  • Find a way to be original. There is a direct correlation between predictability and impact. The more predictable you are, the lower the impact on your audience. 
  • Humour 
  • Use a shocking statement or statistic. 
  • Say things in an interesting way. For example, instead of saying relationships are important to influence people, try saying people won’t go along with you if they can’t get along with you. 
  • Learn to pause. Be comfortable with silence, it gives the listener the ability to catch up and consider what you had mentioned. 

• Be Visual
  • You may depend on powerpoint, graphics, but feel free to use body language, eye contact to connect with the audience

• Tell stories
  • People relate when you share interesting stories, you take them on a journey with you

Inspire people

This is the formula to how people are inspired : 

What they know + What they see + what they feel = inspiration

Lets breakdown the formula

What people need to know? 

•  They need to know that you understand them and are focused on them
  • What are they thinking?
    • Learn about their organisational values, culture, responsibilities. 
    • Learn about their background, what do they believe in?
  • What are they saying?
    • Be a good listener and learn and then lead
  • What are they doing?
    • Watch others – look at their energy levels, body language, what type of attitude are they exhibiting. 

• Let them know that you have high expectations of them
• Get them to do something by challenging, motivating and encouraging them to be all they can. 

Management is about persuading people to do things that they don’t want to do. Leadership is about influencing people to do what they never thought of. 

Steve Jobs

What people need to see?

• People need to see your conviction
• People need to see your credibility 
• People need to see evidence of your character
• They need to see the trustworthiness of you ; Strive to be the message
• The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The great teacher demonstrates. 

What people need to feel?

• They need to feel your passion for the subject and them
  • People don’t remember what you said or what you did to them,  but they always remember how you made them feel. 
  • Before you speak ask these
    • Do I believe in what I say?
    • Has it changed me?
    • Do I believe it will help others?
    • Have I seen it change others?

• They need to feel your confidence and gratitude in yourself and for them
  1. In order to express these, you have to be a person filled with these. You cannot give what you do not have.Cultivate them.

Action – Inspiration (at the highest level)

• Say the right words at the right time
  • Law of timing determines the difference between success and failure. 
  • Put together the right words and deliver them at the right moment. 
• Give people an action plan
  • If you want people to move from a “know-how” attitude to “do now” attitude, offer specific steps.
  • Maxwell shares how he asks his listeners to take action through this approach – ACT 
    •  Put an A beside those things you’ve learned and need to apply 
    • Put a C beside those things you’ve learned and need to change
    • Put a T beside those things you’ve learned and need to teach 
    • Now pick an item from the above to act on in the next 24 hours and share the most important thing they learned with another person. 

Connectors live what they communicate

At the end of the day, you must be the message. Connect with yourself to understand your weaknesses and strengths in order to connect with others on common ground. If you’re unclear of yourself, how do you see others’ views clearly? Ultimately be comfortable with what you have and make the most out of it. 

Here are some tips to start connecting with yourself : 

• Do self assessments by reflecting or talking to people about your weaknesses and strengths,

• Like yourself first by understanding the voices internally and have a realistic yet positive outlook of the situations you’re in.

• Right your wrongs by acknowledging your mistakes, apologizing and amending them.

• Be accountable for your commitments, establish credibility and deliver results. 

At the end of the day, these practices may seem straightforward but putting it to use and striving to be a better connector is tough. This is a journey and not a destination, take things slow and grow.

After close examination there was one theme which kept revolving – authenticity. Be genuine in what you do because people can feel and see through.

I would love to hear them what would be the one or two things you would walk away with from this summary?

P.S Are you looking for some inspiration on what to do for summer or the upcoming semester? Check out Beatrice’s blog, my fellow Career Champion, right over here. If you need help to polish the resume that you are working on for your career or internship application, feel free to get in touch with me on instagram @defoodladie or drop me an email.